Posting to the Void

Hubby and I visited friends last weekend. While the guys stayed home and had a couple of beers, Jen and I went to the store to pick up snacks for the evening. On the way there, she asked something (I don’t remember what) and rather than leaving the filter on, I let it all out.

How I’m SUPER happy for my brother and sister-in-law. How I had closed my office door and cried on Friday when I was suddenly overcome with an incredible sadness that I will never be a mother. How I hate myself for being jealous. How when her youngest was an infant, Hubby saw the sadness on my face as I held him and suggested that we shouldn’t visit anymore.

My eyes filled with tears, but I blinked them away. We talked about why Hubby and I decided not to adopt and how much I love my nieces and her kids (my other niece and nephew), and how much I am looking forward to the newest addition to my family,

But what I didn’t tell her was how I am normally fine and then sometimes overcome with intense sadness. The grief can last for minutes or days, and when it is here, it is overwhelming. It can be a struggle to function normally and I don’t know how to cope.

I want to talk to someone about it. But who? Hubby tries to understand, but he gets impatient with me. Mom just worries. I can’t tell my brother (there’s no way I could destroy his joy with my pain). I would never share this on Facebook, and while only a few people who I know in person follow me on Twitter, there’s no way I would share this there either.

So I am here. Posting to the void of the internet. Perhaps someone will hear and share their wisdom.


2 thoughts on “Posting to the Void

  1. Miss Gee

    I’ve been going through a similar sadness but it’s work related. And sometimes I feel giving in to the sadness helps in getting over it sooner than not allowing yourself to face it. So just be sad…sleep, let your body rest and heal your mind.

  2. RageMichelle

    We all are on different journeys and we don’t always get to pick the way we go. I’m sorry that you’re hurting and I understand the need to share.

    I do have two sons and I love being their mom. My older son (26 now) struggled with a heroin addiction for 6 years. I can’t begin to tell you how nightmarish my life was during that time. I, like you, couldn’t post on facebook or talk to my mother (she was terrified too) and after a while, even people that I did talk to were tired of hearing it.

    I’m happy to say that he’s been clean for nearly 2 years now and I’m happy for him..but the experience changed me.

    I hope you find peace..I truly do.


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