Hubby and I visited friends last weekend. While the guys stayed home and had a couple of beers, Jen and I went to the store to pick up snacks for the evening. On the way there, she asked something (I don’t remember what) and rather than leaving the filter on, I let it all out.
How I’m SUPER happy for my brother and sister-in-law. How I had closed my office door and cried on Friday when I was suddenly overcome with an incredible sadness that I will never be a mother. How I hate myself for being jealous. How when her youngest was an infant, Hubby saw the sadness on my face as I held him and suggested that we shouldn’t visit anymore.
My eyes filled with tears, but I blinked them away. We talked about why Hubby and I decided not to adopt and how much I love my nieces and her kids (my other niece and nephew), and how much I am looking forward to the newest addition to my family,
But what I didn’t tell her was how I am normally fine and then sometimes overcome with intense sadness. The grief can last for minutes or days, and when it is here, it is overwhelming. It can be a struggle to function normally and I don’t know how to cope.
I want to talk to someone about it. But who? Hubby tries to understand, but he gets impatient with me. Mom just worries. I can’t tell my brother (there’s no way I could destroy his joy with my pain). I would never share this on Facebook, and while only a few people who I know in person follow me on Twitter, there’s no way I would share this there either.
So I am here. Posting to the void of the internet. Perhaps someone will hear and share their wisdom.