Posting to the Void

Hubby and I visited friends last weekend. While the guys stayed home and had a couple of beers, Jen and I went to the store to pick up snacks for the evening. On the way there, she asked something (I don’t remember what) and rather than leaving the filter on, I let it all out.

How I’m SUPER happy for my brother and sister-in-law. How I had closed my office door and cried on Friday when I was suddenly overcome with an incredible sadness that I will never be a mother. How I hate myself for being jealous. How when her youngest was an infant, Hubby saw the sadness on my face as I held him and suggested that we shouldn’t visit anymore.

My eyes filled with tears, but I blinked them away. We talked about why Hubby and I decided not to adopt and how much I love my nieces and her kids (my other niece and nephew), and how much I am looking forward to the newest addition to my family,

But what I didn’t tell her was how I am normally fine and then sometimes overcome with intense sadness. The grief can last for minutes or days, and when it is here, it is overwhelming. It can be a struggle to function normally and I don’t know how to cope.

I want to talk to someone about it. But who? Hubby tries to understand, but he gets impatient with me. Mom just worries. I can’t tell my brother (there’s no way I could destroy his joy with my pain). I would never share this on Facebook, and while only a few people who I know in person follow me on Twitter, there’s no way I would share this there either.

So I am here. Posting to the void of the internet. Perhaps someone will hear and share their wisdom.

Broken

Today I feel as if I’m broken. Broken brain. Broken heart.

My brain latches on to a stray thought, turns it into a vivid dream. Mid-dream I drift into consciousness, and my heart latches on.

The dream is so beautiful, as I drift back to sleep my heart wills it to go on while my brain tries to stop the lie.

I wake, unaware of what transpired in the night. My day begins as any other. Shower, dress, commute, work.

And then the hole in my heart cries out. My brain remembers. And all is lost.

After years of working to accept, to move on and no longer hope, it continues to creep up on me.

A stray thought ruins me. Tears, panic attacks, and doubt take over.